Please, just make me PERFECT

Haven’t eaten in 22 hours.  Feeling pretty good.  I might eat something around 12 though.  I’m too scared to eat now because I don’t want to binge.  I have to eat later or I will end up binging.

I told myself that I wouldn’t until I physically saw a difference.  I do see a difference, like my rips are much more visible and my tightest jeans are getting fairly loose.  But it’s not enough.  Sometimes, I tell myself “Sure, I’ll weigh myself after I throw this cookie up.”  So, I throw up. And then I get scared.  ”The calories probably already sank in.  I’m disgusting.  If I weigh myself it will just make everything worse.”  This is torture.  I want to know that I’m doing better..well weight wise, I know I’m getting worse health wise.  I need to see improvement.  But those numbers scare me.  Oh my gosh, they scare me so badly.

I haven’t been on here in quite a while.  Well, at least I don’t believe I have.  But, I have an interview…for modeling? on Saturday.  Like, why?  I honestly don’t want to model but I signed up for some stupid contest and now I might.  I hope I am one of the 20 girls that don’t make it.

That my dad was insanely abusive so my mother, brother, and I were going to run away.  But he caught us and it was terrifying.  I’ve had a dream like that before, except he only hit me once.  But today, I went to my therapist for only my second time.  She realized fairly quickly that I mostly try to fulfill the expectations of my father.  If I’m not enough for him, I feel like I’m not enough for myself.  I’m almost scared of him.  I was having a fine day, though.  Well, until I had a conversation with him. He got mad at me like usual.  I cut.  Like fucking usual.  He doesn’t understand what his anger does to me.  He doesn’t understand that when he’s done yelling at me, I go to my room crying and trying to find my best pair of scissors.  He doesn’t understand…he doesn’t know me at all.

but I’ve been wearing mascara every single day since 6th grade without a problem.  Friday I got a “Dress Code Violation,” and my teacher yelled at me.  When I told my dad, he yelled at me, too.  I told him I was just super insecure and I’ll wear less today.  And he was mad about me being insecure.  Ok.  I’ll just stop hating myself.  Trust me teachers and dad, I would love to.  Shit’s just not that easy.

First of all, I have so many tests tomorrow.  The main one that I’m worried about is math.  I’m failing.  And I just can’t figure it out.

Second of all, I went to the doctor yesterday and found out I’ve only lost 8 pounds since my last visit.  And I’ve noticed that I look a lot smaller but I still don’t weigh much less…ughh

9 more hours without food and I will have completed a full liquid fast, hardly intentionally.  But I’m getting scare cuz my mom keeps asking if I’m going to have something to eat and I said no yesterday too.

I was in the top 3 most viewed, and for once, I wasn’t getting so many perverts.  Everyone was being really nice to me until 2 guys came.  One was telling me if I lost a little weight I’d be hotter and I could be a model.  And that he’d date me if there weren’t so many pretty girls that lived near him. Ouch..? The other was saying I was ugly and he didn’t understand why so many people were watching me.  And that I’m fat.
I haven’t eaten since then.  Fuck them.